To My First Love on your 10th birthday

My First Love,

A decade ago, on the eve of Mothers' Day, you made me a mother. Today, welcome to double digits!

There are so many things I could say to you, but more often than not, I struggle to say the right things at the right time. I don't know if you feel that I understand you enough, but I'm constantly aware of how much you are like me as a child. Your temper, your tantrums, your insolence, your pride, your standoffish attitude, your disregarding look. I used to look at you and wonder what I would have needed at your age to not be all of that, but I don't anymore. Because I realised that I don't know - I don't know what I needed, and I don't know what exactly you need too now. But I know that you are you, and whatever I cannot understand or do better for you, I will pray for you, and stand by you. 

You will always be that first love of mine, that first baby whom I set my eyes upon and experience love like I never thought I could. You gave us ALL of our firsts: smiles, roll-overs, feedings, standing and sitting ups, walkings and runnings. If not because we loved everything about you so much, we would not have gone on to have the rest of your siblings. And so, please always remember, no matter if we are mad, impatient or frustrated with you, underneath all those negative emotions is sooooo much love and pride for you that is waiting to erupt.  

Although I couldn't think of a list of '10 things to say to you on your 10th birthday', there are still many other emotions and prayers in me that are beyond words. I want you to know that as much as I can allow you to explore and push your boundaries around me, I will always be your parent first (like how God our Father is), then a friend; I also want you to know that as much as I have my beautiful hopes and expectations of you, I pray for God's will (rather than mine) to prevail in your life. And most of all, I want you to know that as much as I wish I could protect you from the many hurts and disappointments that are to come in the future, I pray that God will allow me the privilege to walk many years with you and guide you in your journey ahead. 

And so my First Love, my dear J and 煊乐 - Sulk less, smile more. Seek God constantly. And pray always. 

I love you beyond imaginable thoughts and words,

Mummy