The Promise of a Reward

On this last day of the year, 2018 feels oddly 'tranquil'. Since we became parents, our journey have been a roller coaster ride, to say the least. Like riding the waves on a ferry trip to see whales and dolphins. Or the graph on a stock market chart. But we were really nicely cruising along the past year.

We had returned to Singapore from inaka Kochi in 2010 ready to start a family. Coping with a new colicky and high needs baby in 2011 sent me into a new territory of mild post partum depression. Bouncing back from it and excited to plunge into the next motherhood experience, our next baby showed up with no heartbeat at the first visit in late 2012. We almost gave up our rainbow baby due to many distressing signs in utero, but eventually delivered the little miracle in 2013. In 2014, we became acquainted with the term anencephaly, and gave that baby up to the Lord after much struggle. From the initial euphoria of welcoming a new baby, to her diagnosis of renal dysplasia, 2015 ended for us on a deeply sombre and heartbreaking note.

The preceding two years proved to be a marathon of discovery, learning, testing, fearing, at times grieving, but most of all, just leaning on God's grace and mercy. I know I wouldn't have lived through those years without reiterating to myself over and over again how God is good all the time. To say Hallelujah! when we are cruising along, to whisper in tears Hallelujah! when the walk gets rough, and to shout Hallelujah!when we finally see some light.

After R was born and diagnosed within her first week of birth, for a very, very, very long while I was certain we would not have another child. I knew I wanted to conserve my energy for her as she gets older and nearer to the next stage of going through dialysis and transplant. Though some who know me would know that I have often spoken about having 4 children. I would at times mention in jest that 2 is my minimum, 3 my normal, and 4 my stretch target. Yet, in late 2017, when the miracle rainbow boy asked me for another baby brother, I looked at him with glazed eyes and said, 'Pray', uncertain within my own heart if I would ever find the courage.

But God sprung into action almost immediately, in no uncertain terms. A conversation with a fellow sister was orchestrated which stirred up the desire to perhaps, have another one? We conceived without trying to, unplanned but expected. When I trembled just thinking about all the worst outcomes possible awaiting me in this pregnancy, a brother texted out of the blue, Ruth 2:12: "The LORD recompense thy work, and a full reward be given thee of the LORD God of Israel, under whose wings thou art come to trust."

And so, in 2018, on the morning of 7 Sep, my recompensation, my full reward, arrived the same way and date his first sister did, contractions beginning in the wee hours of the day, and epidural free like it was with all of his other siblings.

And so, in 2018, as I look back on our 10 years of marriage and 8 years of rollercoasting, I will take time to number our blessings, and pray that we will never lose sight of how instrumental He had been in our lives.

Hallelujah!