Are your Trials Random and Meaningless?

Exactly 2 months from the date that baby No 4 was discovered to be anencephalic, I came across a post of Christa Black today on her own experience with this birth defect. It is heart wrenching to revisit a word that was once non-existent in my vocabulary, but now triggers a tinge of pain whenever I come across it.

Anencephaly is a neural tube defect that hits 1 in 5000 pregnancies, and until very recently, such babies were referred to as ‘monsters’ as they are born without some parts of the brain and skull. If you bother to Google images on it, you won’t get very pretty pictures of newborn babes; that description probably isn’t too far off for many of our imagination. 

It took us a week to pray, come to terms, and deliberate on the next step. This was not a medically viable pregnancy, and the baby will either be stillborn or not survive very long after birth. It sounded very familiar to a prognosis I once received for T, except that in this case it was without doubt. We were strongly inclined towards carrying the baby to term (we probably could still land our hands on the Jubilee gift package and special birth certificate) but at the end of the day, we chose the easier way out.

I’m not proud of our decision; if I could have done it better, I would carry the baby to term. But knowing and waiting for a birth to die, knowing that I will eventually come home empty-handed was something I was not sure if I would be ready for. I have been asked if I was angry with God; from a strong-willed and difficult baby J to the next pregnancy with no heartbeat, then a challenging one with T, and now this. Anencephaly, anencephaly. What are the odds that I would get acquainted with this word? 1 in 5000 like the probability of it happening? Bearing a baby who meets death upon birth? Huh? Who, me? Does God deem me capable of such strength and faith that He throws me spanner after spanner?

Like how Christa describes in her blog: 

"God, I'm ANGRY that I'll never see Luca smile for the first time, or hear her say 'mama,' or ride a bike, or fall in love! I'm FURIOUS I'll never get to take her to get a pedicure, or watch her face as she sees the ocean for the first time, or hold her in my arms again and kiss her soft skin. I KNOW she's in a better place, BUT I DON'T CARE! I STILL WANT HER BACK!"

“I still want her back. And I always will. And that's ok.”

Yes, I still want my little one back, and I always will, and yes, it’s okay to feel that way. I truly, truly do not understand why He makes me go through such grief and pain, but I know my God is greater than all of these. “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:8-9

Honestly, to be ‘hurt’ by a God who loves me so much that He is willing for His Son to bear my sins and die for me, I have no words to describe my pain. But I know that while I carried my grief and burdens, He carried me. Without Him, all my trials and tribulations are random and meaningless. It is only in Him I know with surety that in spite of everything and anything He throws in my path, I can look to Him for comfort and strength, for He knows EXACTLY how much tears I have shed. And I will one day, reunite with my babies in heaven. “Thou tellest my wanderings: put thou my tears into thy bottle: are they not in thy book?” Psalm 56:8

Are your trials random and meaningless? It is my prayer that all of us have the Comforter with us and in us.

PS: We are still in time for a Jubilee baby, haha, if the Lord be willing. Pray with us!