At a gathering with our SSEAYP kakis 2 weeks back, we were asked on our reflections for 2010 and aspirations for 2011.
I thought my life had been on a 'high' since 2006. Meeting and dating the right one that came along, moving on to exciting palm-rubbing wedding preparations in 2008, to relocating to kampung Japan in 2009, and expecting our first kid upon return this year. Leading naturally to, of course, dealing with IT when it's out in 2011.
And so, the past summary has been eventful, the future outlook possibly so too.
Looking around me, since our short return in a span of less than 5 months, I've seen 3 deaths and 3 births. Equalising these numbers does not diminish griefs nor augment any joys. And as an outsider looking into these emotions, it's even harder to attach my own feelings to the affected ones.
Perhaps I'm too rational, or even selfish. I've never dealt very well with others' happiness or griefs. Yea, congrats on the new baby, but, going goo-goo and gaga over it? Nah, not me. Oh, there's not much days left, yet, shedding (crocodile) tears to show empathy is beyond me. The lack of 'enthusiasm' translates to a cold and uncaring appearance.
It might be naive and cliche to say, as long as God knows. Sometimes I pray in bed till tears trickle, absent-mindedly 'thinks' to Him in my clouded brain, or refrain from participating in an activity just to walk away and seek solace in God. Well, nobody has to know that, and it makes no sense for people to know that too.
Sometimes it hurts me so bad when I feel so out from a previous social circle I was once head over heels in, and yet I also feel the inertia to move in closer to my own brethrens in Christ. Am I a victim of circumstances, or just a willing party to my own emotions?
As the clock strikes 12 tonight, may God have mercy and grace over all of us mere mortals who more than necessarily wallows in self-pity and useless emotions. Blessed 2011 ahead!
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