Trying Days

These few days have been very trying, both physically and mentally.

The MS usually comes in a bout of 2 bad days followed by a few days of bearable discomfort before the 2 bad days come along again. Since the last 2 bad days last Thursday and Friday, I barely had 1 day of 'so-so' comfort before the discomfort hit again on Sunday, persisting till today. I even had to miss a company visit to rest home. Lord, when will this end?

We moved back home during the weekend and spent it cleaning up and having that great sense of relief to be finally home. Yet the first night we were back home, I could not fall asleep despite having had a long day. When hunger pangs hit, I decided perhaps some crackers would do me good and induce sleep quicker. As I sat alone under the newly installed dim kitchen light munching on my crackers slowly, the Spouse came in to check on me. I could only wrap a lone arm around his thick waist, buried my face in his protruding stomach, and tears started trickling down my face.

Must have been some weird, emotional hormonal attack. Even as I am typing this now, I am trying to ignore the discomfort and fatigue plaguing me. And for once, I'm vaguely upset that I'm losing weight amidst all these discomfort. It makes me feel weak, vulnerable, helpless, and... even useless. That I have no control over this discomfort. That it is affecting my effectiveness and efficiency. That there is nothing I can do about it.

I feel like I can empathise with people who are faced with a terminal illness.