This is a new term I learnt from my senior cum self declared 'ex-Christian' J. I shan't try to explain why he's an 'ex' because it's really hard to fully comprehend the reasons he brought up, but I think scepticism is probably the root of it. Anyways.
Have not had such a heart-to-heart session on God and Christianity in a long while with a fellow brethren, even if he is an 'ex'. Haha. Our conversation set me to reflect on how far I have come as a child of God since I accepted Him into my life on 6 June 2002.
I think I screwed it up pretty badly in the initial period as a young Christian. A never experienced before unleashing of rebellion, defensive attitude, conflicts between Mum and I. Never quite knew where those backlashing came from, but the journey sure started off rough.
Like a toddler learning how to walk (I still am 'in nursery school' though), I fumbled quite badly in those initial years. Dropped a secular relationship, got myself into another believing it to be a biblical one. Held on strongly to views and had judgmental stand on biblical issues. Thought myself to be a bible-thumping, prayerful, pious, God-seeking Christian. How self-righteous and shallow. Ptui.
Not that I'm way over those now, but I think I work hard at avoiding the pitfalls. A recent realisation is that I have a real and deep fear of being a bad testimony. Such that no matter what decisions I have to make in my life, I will be afraid it is a wrong decision that will impact on people around me and hence make me a bad witness for the Lord. And it often makes me lonely because there will be times when I'd rather my life be singular and detached from people so that I will never have to make a wrong move that will affect another.
That is why I work hard at it. At least that's what I think. In every aspect of my life, I demand that expectation of myself. Be it in a leadership role in YEC, in an authoritative role as the大姐, as a responsible eldest child to my Dad & Mum, in the form of a 'valued' employee, as the done-so-much-in-your-life figure among the Mumbo brothers and sisters. I remember MC once said he felt I have always been 'more than responsible'. A pat on my shoulders for my efforts? *shrug :P
J mentioned a fundamental belief that is closest to my heart: the basic and most important role of a Christian is to Evangelise and bring the Word of God to all. Instead of having a burden for the lost and the pre-saved (MC, this term I copyright ok, haha), J feels Christianity nowadays is 'fun' and 'trendy' for people. "Sugar-coated Christianity. Like a lollipop. They go to church every Sunday just to suck on it to feel good."
Where's the Christ-like Love for fellow brethrens and the lost? If as Christians we all know the truth of the 'afterlife', why do we not have that fear of it and the burden to tell it to all? If we ought to have that Love for everyone around us, then what became of the burden that all Christians should have? Is that why I don't feel that 'Love' from other brethrens even when I personally feel happy on meeting fellow brothers and sisters?
J said a Christian should shine and be different from the others because we are 'the light of the world'. Have I seen a 'shining' Christian in any setting I have come across so far? Not in a long while (save for MC la huh). Do I personally shine? I don't think so. And if I don't shine, can I expect that of my brethrens?
I shared this in the Yellow-Mazda-Cab one day (hehe) about the apprehension of increasing wealth. That the more money I have, I will need to exercise more caution on not letting my possessions rule me and my character. And J brought up this point exactly while referring me to the episode of the rich young ruler in Mark 10: the more you have, the greater the unwillingness to part with your possessions. If we are not spiritually ready to give up our worldly possessions for the Lord anytime to "go thy way, sell whatsoever thou hast... and come, take up the cross, and follow me" (verse 21), we will be like the one in Verse 22 who "went away grieved: for he had great possessions." For Christ said in verse 25 "It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God."
The thing is, do all Christians 'grieve' at the thought of giving up Christ for their worldly possessions? The 'out of sight out of mind' mentality. I can see my possessions, but I can't see God. I'd rather hold on to something tangible!
"Follow peace with all men, and holiness, without which no man shall see the Lord" Hebrews 12:14
This verse has plagued me for some time. God must be telling me something with it. If without holiness, no man shall see the Lord, then can holiness be an option for Christians?
"And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity" 1 Corinthians 13:13
Charity being Love, and if the Lord says Love is the greatest of all things on earth, is that a characteristic that should abide in all Christians as well?
I ponder.
Background music: 'Winnie the Pooh, Winnie the Pooh~~'
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