A Letter to My First Love on her First 'High-Key' Examinations

Dear J:

Welcome to the start of the Primary School Leaving Examinations NEXT WEEK! I think you will be nervous, but I also know you’ve got this. You are at the first of what is possibly your life's most challenging moments - doing your first major national exams. As a parent, I sometimes forget those moments that I was there like you, a 12 year-old struggling between trying to work hard, and giving in to R&R mode. I may not have supported you emotionally enough, or empathised with you sufficiently, but I pray I have done it the best way I could to encourage and motivate you.

To be honest, I’m not enjoying this season at all. Growing up is already tough, with all the crazy hormones raging (for you, literally), but growing up with the added pressure cooker of being in a competitive academic system does not make things any better. Exam preps take away all the fun and brilliance of learning, and condense them into complex and terribly dull rote questions to answer and ace. I have been there and I didn’t like it at all.

The final scores may describe how you did on that particular day, but it does not even come close to defining you or your future. PSLE is not going to tell us anything about how talented you are with art and crafting, or how you have a flair for trying anything out and actually being good at them on the first try. It also doesn’t tell anyone how you are able to get yourself home via public transport when you are activated to do so, or how you are able to cook yourself (and at times your siblings!) a meal independently when you have to. One national examination is not going to tell us how great you are at many other things.

Nevertheless, because we are in the school system, we strive to do our best in the circumstances we are in. And I think, to date, you have done wonderfully to make us, and make God proud. You are now at the point where the only person to be disappointed is yourself. Give it your best shot! That way, you will not look back with regret. And you will get all the marks you deserve at the end of the journey.

No matter what happens, Daddy and Mummy loves you, and God loves you so much more. 加油！

To My Biggest Fan on your 10th Birthday

Where do I even begin? Even when you were in my womb, I had been praying hard for you. You were our rainbow baby, given to us by God after a baby with no heartbeat. You were the first pregnancy that I had fears never imagined before. On the day you were born, it was raining big hailstones outside, and I remember the moment you popped out of me, I asked Daddy if you were okay.

But here we are. You are officially two whole hands old. An entire decade of life is behind you. Double digits! And in some ways, it makes me a bit emo and sentimental.

You've always been that tender-hearted boy I tell everyone about. Even when you were in preschool, the teachers will tell me how you take care of the newbies and the younger Hazel. Till today, it makes me so proud to still hear your teachers observe the same thing about how you care for your friends in school. It is a wonderful nature that God gave you, that hopefully will stay with you always, and not be taken away by any setbacks or obstacles in life, or Daddy and Mummy's poor parenting skills😖

Perhaps because of your more emotional nature, you might have felt somewhat second place to 姐姐, or being side-lined to 妹妹 or 弟弟's wants and needs. Although you enjoy school even though it's further from home, it vexes you that you are always not prioritised when it comes to picking or sending. And even though I know you understand why it is so, you are caught between giving in to the situation and speaking up for what you want. I know, my son, I know. And I'm sorry that sometimes I yell and get frustrated at you for not understanding when I could have been more empathetic towards how you feel. And for all those times, I'm sorry.

You may feel short-changed sometimes, but please, never ever believe in your heart that we love you less. Even when we are giving you constructive feedback, the objective is to inspire you to be a better you, and not because we think you are lousy; when we feel you could have pushed yourself further, it is so that you KNOW you can be better than what you are now. My prayer for you is to learn to always look at the positive side of things, and not be fixated on what you don't have or don't get to enjoy.

Although your learning attitude (not just for school but in other areas as well) irks me at times. I hope you understand that Mummy is also constantly reminding myself of your strengths in particular areas, and to encourage you to find things you feel passionate about to do. Nope, not just Pokemon or Lego, or Among Us or Mario 😑

I pray our connection is always strong and that you will always be my biggest fan. My love for you is unending and unconditional. Forever. Unbreakable. Unbendable. Always!

We love you so much that we don't know where it ends, but God loves you even more,

Mummy

What is happening?

 It has been some time.

Not sure since when, but the difficulty to smile and the blanket of melancholy has been wrapping itself around me for some time.

I can't be sure if I have been making an effort to work on the muscles or to take off the blanket. But whatever it seems that I am doing, is not showing up much in the results.

It's been hard. Hard to smile, hard to find the energy to do things, hard to be enthusiastic, hard to be a little more positive about things. The only positives I have encountered this year are the ones on the ART kits, which ironically, really haven't been so negative to get.

I used to attribute it to hormones. The few days in the months, the odd outbursts, the called-for frustrations. But it doesn't seem that way anymore. The 'few', 'odd', and 'called-fors' seem to have crept under my skin and diffused into my bloodstream and traveled all over the system. 

What is happening? 

Just a letter to remember this episode by

 Dear 大宝贝,

You would remember the story I have told you before, about being sorely disappointed when I was not picked out of a box to be a prefect. I recall after I got off the school bus, I went to the swing at the playground (last time the exercise area downstairs of 414 was a sand playground with swings), and sat there for a long time feeling sad. I think MAMA must have noticed and she probably did ask me after, but I cannot remember the details of it.

I'm glad you are taking it better than I did. And you are also taking it better than I am for you now. After you told me that the rest of them in the class who went through the interview got through except for you, I felt very bad for you. It bothered me so much I kept praying and telling God about it. In my human capacity I know God has His plans and purposes, but in the same human capacity, I cannot understand it. Yet. And so I kept praying for God to help me, and also you, to overcome this nagging feeling in me. I got to admit, even till today, I still find it hard to comprehend, but I choose to believe that it is God's protection over you and, THAT protection is far more important to accept than anything that He allows you to go through (for example the interview, and the disappointment of not making it after).

And perhaps you are better than me at accepting disappointments, which is a great virtue to have! Because you are then able to recover more quickly from your current position, and move on faster to something else to work on and achieve. There is really no point in hanging on to sadness and disappointment.

It is not easy to be the big kid in the family. I know it because I am one myself. Yet sometimes I can't help but impose the same 'standards' on you that I was subjected to. It's a 'habit', which I constantly remind myself to kick. So, thank you for bearing with all my nonsense when I get frustrated and angry and impatient and hormonal. Thank you for still be willing to share your stories, joys and disappointments. And thank you also for always being willing to hug me, say goodnight to me, and tell me you love me even when you might still be struggling with your own emotions. Like I said, even if the Asian parent don't always express their love in the most AWESOME ways, our love runs as deep, and as wide as any angmo parent.

In His love and mine,

Mummy

To My First Love on your 10th birthday

My First Love,

A decade ago, on the eve of Mothers' Day, you made me a mother. Today, welcome to double digits!

There are so many things I could say to you, but more often than not, I struggle to say the right things at the right time. I don't know if you feel that I understand you enough, but I'm constantly aware of how much you are like me as a child. Your temper, your tantrums, your insolence, your pride, your standoffish attitude, your disregarding look. I used to look at you and wonder what I would have needed at your age to not be all of that, but I don't anymore. Because I realised that I don't know - I don't know what I needed, and I don't know what exactly you need too now. But I know that you are you, and whatever I cannot understand or do better for you, I will pray for you, and stand by you. 

You will always be that first love of mine, that first baby whom I set my eyes upon and experience love like I never thought I could. You gave us ALL of our firsts: smiles, roll-overs, feedings, standing and sitting ups, walkings and runnings. If not because we loved everything about you so much, we would not have gone on to have the rest of your siblings. And so, please always remember, no matter if we are mad, impatient or frustrated with you, underneath all those negative emotions is sooooo much love and pride for you that is waiting to erupt.  

Although I couldn't think of a list of '10 things to say to you on your 10th birthday', there are still many other emotions and prayers in me that are beyond words. I want you to know that as much as I can allow you to explore and push your boundaries around me, I will always be your parent first (like how God our Father is), then a friend; I also want you to know that as much as I have my beautiful hopes and expectations of you, I pray for God's will (rather than mine) to prevail in your life. And most of all, I want you to know that as much as I wish I could protect you from the many hurts and disappointments that are to come in the future, I pray that God will allow me the privilege to walk many years with you and guide you in your journey ahead. 

And so my First Love, my dear J and 煊乐 - Sulk less, smile more. Seek God constantly. And pray always. 

I love you beyond imaginable thoughts and words,

Mummy

Love Letter 2.0

At our 10-year and 6 babies mark, I looked back at the letter I wrote you when we were just a year old (http://ei0.blogspot.com/2009/10/excerpt-from-love-letter.html). As I read it, I had a realisation of where all the time in between went to. In the last 9 years, we had spent much of our time battling/tackling pregnancy trials, babies, toddlers and children, BUT I could hardly remember any fights between us. Why didn't we even argue over them?

Even if it is too cliche and under-rated, thank you, and thank God for putting you in my life. Thank you for walking this crazy journey with me the last decade. There is so much unspoken understanding between us that sometimes I don't know what to say to you (insert thinking emoticon). Thank you for enduring my fatigued outbursts at the children when I am worn down by their energy and battles. Thank you for putting up with the frustrations that I indirectly channel at you because of the children. Thank you for always putting me first before anyone else.

Pregnancy may have depleted me of many memories but distinct, specific instances have stayed buried in the depths of my mind. There was that time when we were still dating, how you pulled me up from the road to the kerb to make sure I was safe while we were chatting with someone (I can't remember who for sure); or when we were newly married and a particular mid-of-the-night storm caused a loud crash in the kitchen and you quickly reassured me after checking it out that it was just a xxx (I can't remember what as well). Or how you rushed home after I burst into tears over the phone in the early days of confinement with J. Rushing to the bed where R and I were warded when Xiangfeng mentioned I broke down in the midst of a conversation with the doctor. I don't have a good memory, but some of these, I retain, and they come back to me at times when I go through an article, walk through a space, or reminiscence through some pictures.

And so I write. I write to preserve my thoughts. I write so that I have the opportunity to come across what I documented, in His time. That thermal mug with all that you have said to me before? When I held it in my hands to read them again, I realised it is one of those things that I can hold on to for a long time to get me transported back to that time in our lives. God has been immensely gracious and merciful to bless me with you, and I pray and look forward to journey many more years with you, as in our 'previous' life, as well as our 'next' life.

By the way, did I ever tell you I applied to go for SSEAYP in 2003 but did not make the selection? It was very puzzling to me then, but turns out it was really because He already decided for us to meet in 2006. Blessed Fathers' Day my best friend, my soulmate, my pillar, my encyclopaedia, my map, my checkpoint, my sounding board, my moderator. You are everything that I cannot ask for, and more. I love you beyond words.

Baby Number One. My First Love.

I realised I never had a pregnancy story for J. So here goes.

Deep in the winter of Kochi in 2010, we were almost set to stay. But just the night before the Better Half was to make our decision known to the administration, God set upon my heart to return home. We had traveled sufficiently, done quite enough, and if we were to want to start a family, it would be best to return to base camp where we are most familiar with. And so I made my thoughts known, and we agreed to balik kampung.

Before returning home, we almost thought we might be pregnant. The day before we did the trek up Mount Fuji, I was apprehensive. But an expensive stick turned out negative. Must have been His intervention.

Upon returning home, we conceived at strike one. I remember telling my girlfriends that I still felt good enough to be doing my usual runs, and before I  knew it, I was all crumbled on my bed nightly praying for sleep to overcome me to be relieved of the indescribable discomfort. No matter which way I turned, no matter what I did or ate or tried, nothing worked or worked for long or consistently. It was always trial and error at every nauseating point, and like what I remember the Spouse used to say, one step forward, two steps back. At one point, I remember just keeling over and praying incessantly for God to clasp and protect the little one in His hands, as if that protection will include taking my terrible discomfort away.

When I was sufficiently recovered from the unpleasantries, we hit the road to Sydney right after the first trimester. It was a beautiful trip. Weather was beautiful, the places were beautiful, the jacarandas were beautiful, I felt beautiful. It was exhilarating to be pregnant for the first time. After the terrible morning sickness had passed, I was enjoying every milestone of the pregnancy and looked forward to every visit to the obstetrician. We even managed a third trimester staycay to Redang before the sleepless nights came.

7 May was Polling Day, and I was very keen to be in the Priority Line to cast my vote. But on the night of 6 May, unfamiliar and unsure intermittent pains bugged me before I relented and checked ourselves into the hospital at around 2am. At only about 2cm dilated, we were told we could be expecting quite a wait but I knew my chance to vote was definitely busted. It would have been my first time ever at the polling booths. 

As a first timer at labouring, I attempted to give the epidural a skip and just ordeal through with the laughing gas. And...... I succeeded! Shortly before 9am on 7 May 2011, we met the daughter (whom I always thought would be a son as we did not know the gender) who would terrorise us since then. Juliette, 煊乐, may she spread joy like her namesake, with all glory to God.