Counting my Blessings on the 'first' school day of 2025

Today marks the first day that everyone is in school, and I came home to an empty house, without Z still in bed waiting for me to rouse him for school. Driving home from drop-offs, that realisation had already hit me. And thoughts ran through my mind on that one final piece of thankfulness writing that usually floods the socials year-end which I didn't pen.

Counting my blessings came to mind. Even though I have been through quite a fair bit myself as an adult, in the past year, I have heard stories and experiences that gave me new-found respect for the people who shared them with me. These sharings reminded me to reflect on my life growing up, and mindfully count my blessings, one by one:

I'm blessed with good parents:

My father was a hardworking man, and in the early days when he was supporting his parents, his many siblings, and a young family, he worked hard enough for us such that we never knew poverty, or even hardship. All we remember of our childhood were days of waking up dark and early for 'morning walks', family travels, and good fun. Even though he used to smoke and drink too much, we never knew a bad temper, much less abuse of any kind from him. 

My mother did not have an easy time marrying into a big family and assimilating into one. In spite of her outgoing nature and fiercely independent character, she willed herself to stay home and pushed aside her desires to achieve something for herself in her younger days. I believe there was a lot of self-internalisation and suppression, which manifested in a temper and impatience that I did not empathise with when I was a child. Even when she had differences and difficulties in her marriage, we never once witnessed any loud arguments or physical altercations between them, and never were we in fear of the possibility of a broken home.  

I'm blessed with close siblings:

Growing up four different personalities, we could have easily walked off in our paths to hang around with others. We remain tightly-knit, and I can only say, that must have contributed to why I am raising four different personalities myself today. Each of us bring to the extended family, support, tolerance, complementary strengths, and most of all, love. 

I'm blessed with a strong marriage:

In a course I attended last year, I recounted to the class that in our 15 years of marriage so far, we have not had any confrontational arguments or fights. Notwithstanding our sin nature and my personal failures, prayerfully we continue this harmony and stability as we step into every coming season in our marriage.

I'm blessed with loving children:

My First Love has a temperament too much like mine, and I tend to overlook her positive traits. This past holiday break, she has out of her own will, participated in the church youth camp, and despite the age perceived to be hanging outside the home with friends engaging in activities that might have caused us worries and tension, she has not once asked to go out with bruhs of any form, and has mostly just stayed home to mind her own business. 

My tenderhearted Biggest Fan has stayed his form, collected an outstanding character appraisal in his school report book, and continues to try his hardest to assure me he will do his best in the major leap to overcome this year. 

The Littlest One has leapt over many a milestone and medical challenges in her short 9 years of life, and I believe, will continue to do so in the hands of the Lord. She has also proven many times over to be the most resilient and relentless kid in the household. 

The Sumo looks up to his siblings tremendously, enjoying their company, albeit a little too much at times to have that teeny weeny bit of anxiety when he is on his own. But I know he is coming into his own little person, and will very soon join the ranks of the talk-big-talk-back macho boys.

In spite of their differences, they can fight too hard for my liking, but they also love each other fiercely, in their own small ways. 

"Count your blessings, name them one by one, Count your blessings, see what God hath done"

A Letter to My Last K2 Graduand

Dear Son

I still remember the first day I sent you in for PG class. You were the only child of ours who did not get to have a parent accompany you on your first day as it was the COVID period. Before heading to school you were very excited and looking forward to it. But the moment the lift closed between you and Mummy, your face turned sullen, not understanding why. 

Five years has flown by and you are now excited and looking forward again, this time to primary school. You have been wanting to join your jiejies and kor kor for the longest time. Even though this time mummy and daddy will be allowed to accompany you on your first day, I can already sense your apprehension towards the coming changes. 

God said in Joshua 1:9 "Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest." God is with you whenever you go, even if Daddy and Mummy are not. Be brave! God has got you!

In God's love and ours,

Daddy and Mummy

A Letter to My First Love on her First 'High-Key' Examinations

Dear J:

Welcome to the start of the Primary School Leaving Examinations NEXT WEEK! I think you will be nervous, but I also know you’ve got this. You are at the first of what is possibly your life's most challenging moments - doing your first major national exams. As a parent, I sometimes forget those moments that I was there like you, a 12 year-old struggling between trying to work hard, and giving in to R&R mode. I may not have supported you emotionally enough, or empathised with you sufficiently, but I pray I have done it the best way I could to encourage and motivate you.

To be honest, I’m not enjoying this season at all. Growing up is already tough, with all the crazy hormones raging (for you, literally), but growing up with the added pressure cooker of being in a competitive academic system does not make things any better. Exam preps take away all the fun and brilliance of learning, and condense them into complex and terribly dull rote questions to answer and ace. I have been there and I didn’t like it at all.

The final scores may describe how you did on that particular day, but it does not even come close to defining you or your future. PSLE is not going to tell us anything about how talented you are with art and crafting, or how you have a flair for trying anything out and actually being good at them on the first try. It also doesn’t tell anyone how you are able to get yourself home via public transport when you are activated to do so, or how you are able to cook yourself (and at times your siblings!) a meal independently when you have to. One national examination is not going to tell us how great you are at many other things.

Nevertheless, because we are in the school system, we strive to do our best in the circumstances we are in. And I think, to date, you have done wonderfully to make us, and make God proud. You are now at the point where the only person to be disappointed is yourself. Give it your best shot! That way, you will not look back with regret. And you will get all the marks you deserve at the end of the journey.

No matter what happens, Daddy and Mummy loves you, and God loves you so much more. 加油！

To My Biggest Fan on your 10th Birthday

Where do I even begin? Even when you were in my womb, I had been praying hard for you. You were our rainbow baby, given to us by God after a baby with no heartbeat. You were the first pregnancy that I had fears never imagined before. On the day you were born, it was raining big hailstones outside, and I remember the moment you popped out of me, I asked Daddy if you were okay.

But here we are. You are officially two whole hands old. An entire decade of life is behind you. Double digits! And in some ways, it makes me a bit emo and sentimental.

You've always been that tender-hearted boy I tell everyone about. Even when you were in preschool, the teachers will tell me how you take care of the newbies and the younger Hazel. Till today, it makes me so proud to still hear your teachers observe the same thing about how you care for your friends in school. It is a wonderful nature that God gave you, that hopefully will stay with you always, and not be taken away by any setbacks or obstacles in life, or Daddy and Mummy's poor parenting skills😖

Perhaps because of your more emotional nature, you might have felt somewhat second place to 姐姐, or being side-lined to 妹妹 or 弟弟's wants and needs. Although you enjoy school even though it's further from home, it vexes you that you are always not prioritised when it comes to picking or sending. And even though I know you understand why it is so, you are caught between giving in to the situation and speaking up for what you want. I know, my son, I know. And I'm sorry that sometimes I yell and get frustrated at you for not understanding when I could have been more empathetic towards how you feel. And for all those times, I'm sorry.

You may feel short-changed sometimes, but please, never ever believe in your heart that we love you less. Even when we are giving you constructive feedback, the objective is to inspire you to be a better you, and not because we think you are lousy; when we feel you could have pushed yourself further, it is so that you KNOW you can be better than what you are now. My prayer for you is to learn to always look at the positive side of things, and not be fixated on what you don't have or don't get to enjoy.

Although your learning attitude (not just for school but in other areas as well) irks me at times. I hope you understand that Mummy is also constantly reminding myself of your strengths in particular areas, and to encourage you to find things you feel passionate about to do. Nope, not just Pokemon or Lego, or Among Us or Mario 😑

I pray our connection is always strong and that you will always be my biggest fan. My love for you is unending and unconditional. Forever. Unbreakable. Unbendable. Always!

We love you so much that we don't know where it ends, but God loves you even more,

Mummy

What is happening?

 It has been some time.

Not sure since when, but the difficulty to smile and the blanket of melancholy has been wrapping itself around me for some time.

I can't be sure if I have been making an effort to work on the muscles or to take off the blanket. But whatever it seems that I am doing, is not showing up much in the results.

It's been hard. Hard to smile, hard to find the energy to do things, hard to be enthusiastic, hard to be a little more positive about things. The only positives I have encountered this year are the ones on the ART kits, which ironically, really haven't been so negative to get.

I used to attribute it to hormones. The few days in the months, the odd outbursts, the called-for frustrations. But it doesn't seem that way anymore. The 'few', 'odd', and 'called-fors' seem to have crept under my skin and diffused into my bloodstream and traveled all over the system. 

What is happening? 

Just a letter to remember this episode by

 Dear 大宝贝,

You would remember the story I have told you before, about being sorely disappointed when I was not picked out of a box to be a prefect. I recall after I got off the school bus, I went to the swing at the playground (last time the exercise area downstairs of 414 was a sand playground with swings), and sat there for a long time feeling sad. I think MAMA must have noticed and she probably did ask me after, but I cannot remember the details of it.

I'm glad you are taking it better than I did. And you are also taking it better than I am for you now. After you told me that the rest of them in the class who went through the interview got through except for you, I felt very bad for you. It bothered me so much I kept praying and telling God about it. In my human capacity I know God has His plans and purposes, but in the same human capacity, I cannot understand it. Yet. And so I kept praying for God to help me, and also you, to overcome this nagging feeling in me. I got to admit, even till today, I still find it hard to comprehend, but I choose to believe that it is God's protection over you and, THAT protection is far more important to accept than anything that He allows you to go through (for example the interview, and the disappointment of not making it after).

And perhaps you are better than me at accepting disappointments, which is a great virtue to have! Because you are then able to recover more quickly from your current position, and move on faster to something else to work on and achieve. There is really no point in hanging on to sadness and disappointment.

It is not easy to be the big kid in the family. I know it because I am one myself. Yet sometimes I can't help but impose the same 'standards' on you that I was subjected to. It's a 'habit', which I constantly remind myself to kick. So, thank you for bearing with all my nonsense when I get frustrated and angry and impatient and hormonal. Thank you for still be willing to share your stories, joys and disappointments. And thank you also for always being willing to hug me, say goodnight to me, and tell me you love me even when you might still be struggling with your own emotions. Like I said, even if the Asian parent don't always express their love in the most AWESOME ways, our love runs as deep, and as wide as any angmo parent.

In His love and mine,

Mummy

To My First Love on your 10th birthday

My First Love,

A decade ago, on the eve of Mothers' Day, you made me a mother. Today, welcome to double digits!

There are so many things I could say to you, but more often than not, I struggle to say the right things at the right time. I don't know if you feel that I understand you enough, but I'm constantly aware of how much you are like me as a child. Your temper, your tantrums, your insolence, your pride, your standoffish attitude, your disregarding look. I used to look at you and wonder what I would have needed at your age to not be all of that, but I don't anymore. Because I realised that I don't know - I don't know what I needed, and I don't know what exactly you need too now. But I know that you are you, and whatever I cannot understand or do better for you, I will pray for you, and stand by you. 

You will always be that first love of mine, that first baby whom I set my eyes upon and experience love like I never thought I could. You gave us ALL of our firsts: smiles, roll-overs, feedings, standing and sitting ups, walkings and runnings. If not because we loved everything about you so much, we would not have gone on to have the rest of your siblings. And so, please always remember, no matter if we are mad, impatient or frustrated with you, underneath all those negative emotions is sooooo much love and pride for you that is waiting to erupt.  

Although I couldn't think of a list of '10 things to say to you on your 10th birthday', there are still many other emotions and prayers in me that are beyond words. I want you to know that as much as I can allow you to explore and push your boundaries around me, I will always be your parent first (like how God our Father is), then a friend; I also want you to know that as much as I have my beautiful hopes and expectations of you, I pray for God's will (rather than mine) to prevail in your life. And most of all, I want you to know that as much as I wish I could protect you from the many hurts and disappointments that are to come in the future, I pray that God will allow me the privilege to walk many years with you and guide you in your journey ahead. 

And so my First Love, my dear J and 煊乐 - Sulk less, smile more. Seek God constantly. And pray always. 

I love you beyond imaginable thoughts and words,

Mummy